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Please really see me!

Mary Gray McPhailBy Mary McPhail Gray
NVW Board Chair

You asked, “How are you doing?”

As I told you, tears came to my eyes—and you looked away and quickly began to talk again.  All the attention you had given me drained away.                                                               -Kelly Osmont

Who among us has known grief and also had the experience of feeling alone in the company of others—even close friends and family?

We are a people who know it is important to be polite—to ask after   other’s troubles—but are we really prepared to truly listen?

Now the holiday season is upon us, with gatherings of friends and family, and invariably, some of those present with be dealing with tragedies or sorrows. Giving respect and attention to others who have deep pain requires us to be deliberate about our attention.

But aren’t we supposed to be joyfully celebrating at this time? [Read more…] about Please really see me!

A Clinician with Deep Commitments

Mary Gray McPhailBy Mary McPhail Gray
NVW Board Chair

When you look into Karen House’s piercing hazel eyes, you see strength, compassion and commitment.  A fifth generation New Mexican, Karen is a licensed clinical counselor who returned to Taos to lead programs at Nonviolence Works after a recent three-year stint of serving as an embedded counselor with US Special Operations.

Deeply committed to supporting veterans, Karen has used a variety of therapies to reach those who returned from service with deep trauma. A Special Forces widow, House feels obligated to go where she is needed in order to effectively treat service members. A maintenance group commander has told the story to hundreds about the time House completed a counseling session on the wing of an AC 130-H Spectre Gunship.  The airman was explaining his task as a fuel systems specialist, when a young maintenance troop quietly said “You’re a counselor, aren’t you?”  And House was there.

Karen House

House has been willing to go to extreme environments where she is able to fit in and relate to the experiences of the soldiers. She has served as a military family life counselor for a total of ten years.  House is considered an expert in the psychology of remote warfare. In contrast to some therapists who have never been actively involved in day-to-day life on a military base, House has been embedded at the operational level. Just prior to returning to Nonviolence Works as the clinical director, House served three months at Thule Air Base, 800 miles north of the Arctic Circle.

House is proud of her ability to use a variety of nonconventional therapies to reach clients. With a Master’s of Arts in counseling and psychology and a minor in adventure/wilderness programming, House believes strongly in the power of the natural environment and wilderness challenges to heal trauma.

She is also skilled at using CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), MST (Multisystemic Therapy), EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and mindfulness de-escalation techniques with clients.  She is completing a second master’s degree—in social work—in order to expand her flexibility.

As an entrepreneur, House maintained a private counseling practice in Taos for seven years and was instrumental in bringing grant funding for truancy prevention to Taos schools. She is the founder and executive director of The Challenge Group, which provided educational and therapeutic adventures from 1999 to 2012 for people facing significant challenges. House is passionate about whitewater, and has been a rafting guide with New Wave Rafting Company for 20+ years.

House returned to Nonviolence Works in order to participate in the development of programs of critical need in Taos—a residential treatment program for adolescent males and a supportive multi-service program for veterans. House has been the clinical director at San Cristobal Treatment Center, a wilderness-based program for young men with addiction, and family resource director at Taos Charter School.  She brings these experiences to enhance her role in supervising a variety of clinical programs at NVW.

House was particularly drawn to return to work at NVW because of its commitment to providing services needed by the community. She sees herself as a strong community advocate—designing programs that work for the youth, families and veterans of Northern New Mexico.

Her sparkling green eyes also light up during her favorite pastimes: Being a tia to her niece and nephew and historical costuming and embroidery.

 

NVW has the largest staff of behavioral health social workers and counselors in northern New Mexico. If you need help, call us: 575-779-4297  www.nonviolenceworks.us 

Mary McPhail Gray is the board chair of NVW and can be reached at mcphailconsulting@gmail.com or 575-779-3126.

 

 

“I Should Have Said Something!”

Mary Gray McPhailBy Mary McPhail Gray
NVW Board Chair

An expression of grief and guilt after the suicide of a friend or family member is a deeply painful thing to say or hear.  After four unexpected deaths of adults in Taos in the last month, many are deeply sorrowful and feeling a terrible sense of failure.

We all need to be informed and courageous in providing a lifeline to someone in deep need. Experience and research provide us with some guidance, and there are local, state and national resources to tap.

First of all, if you are aware that someone you know is deeply distressed, then you are a significant resource to them—you are close enough to observe and to support them.  And the first rule is:  Be present with them—don’t avoid them—be there to listen and show empathy.  The idea of someone committing suicide is frightening to most of us, so it is easy to withdraw or ignore what you see.  But it is important not to ignore them and to be caring enough to say outright, “Are you thinking about hurting yourself?” [Read more…] about “I Should Have Said Something!”

Anxiety of our Youth

Mary Gray McPhailBy Mary McPhail Gray
NVW Board Chair

“Please don’t tell my parents!” exclaimed a teenager who had just revealed he was thinking of suicide.

The NVW clinician who listened is in fact mandated to report to the parents when such desperate thoughts are revealed. Yet this clinician—experienced with youth who have shared their fears knew that too often parents may make the wrong response. It is terrible news to hear—and it needs a response that is not immediately easy.

Typical responses by parents include to become angry with the youth—berating or yelling at her so that she cowers and closes down. Another response is to declare suicide a sin—which will be punished by God and the church. A third response is to downplay or belittle their youth by saying, “Oh that’s not a big deal—you can handle this.” In each case, the youth feels shut down, not taken seriously.

“Youth know what they are feeling,” commented the clinician. “Parents must just listen—as hard as that is—just be quiet and really listen to their child.” [Read more…] about Anxiety of our Youth

“But I didn’t jump!”

Mary Gray McPhailBy Mary McPhail Gray
NVW Board Chair

“ Even though I was standing on the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, I didn’t jump.” related Sally (not her real name).

“I was living in California at the time and had experienced homelessness, alcoholism and abandonment by my husband.  But I looked down, and I suddenly felt a surge of strength and happiness.  I loved life and nature too much to leave it.”

After that, Sally began in earnest the long route to a healthy life.

Sally was the youngest of four children—abandoned by their father when she was one.  In her family, she experienced hunger, neglect, sexual abuse and torture.  By the time she was ten, her terrors were manifested in binge eating and then anorexia and bulimia.

“I hid a lot, kept very quiet, and did not tell anyone what was happening to me.” [Read more…] about “But I didn’t jump!”

“I would have been dead on the street—”

Mary Gray McPhailBy Mary McPhail Gray
NVW Board Chair

“ . . . were it not for my father and my wife. I was deeply into drugs—selling and using—and in gangs and any street adventures I could find,” says James Mondragon, Educational Assistant at Nonviolence Works.

Mondragon was the oldest of five boys, and the family moved around a lot—Utah, Nevada and New Mexico. Both parents were drug addicts, and abuse and violence were daily occurrences.  “My mother decided to get herself clean so she left all of us and moved away.”  Later Mondragon’s father decided he also wanted to get clean, so he moved the boys to Taos when James was a teenager.

James hated it.  He didn’t know anyone and didn’t have his usual contacts, so the minute his dad left the house on any errand, he slung his backpack on and headed for the highway—hitchhiking back to Albuquerque.  But again and again his father came and found him—and “hauled me back to Taos.” [Read more…] about “I would have been dead on the street—”

Why a Residential Treatment Center?

Mary Gray McPhailBy Mary McPhail Gray
NVW Board Chair

Taos County personnel were delighted to recently receive approval from the New Mexico Children Youth and Family Agency to move forward on creating a Taos County Residential Treatment Center for Adolescents!

In all of New Mexico, there are only 90 beds for adolescents in residential treatment centers—and there are more than 300 youth on waiting lists.

It has been 10 years since there was an RTC in northern New Mexico.  It is time to reach out to our youth and families and provide needed services.  Since the 1920’s when the first youth and family residential treatment centers changed from a punitive control model to models of treatment to facilitate change, research has been slowly accumulating about what successful treatment requires. [Read more…] about Why a Residential Treatment Center?

Beginning Again—and Support is Here!

Mary Gray McPhailBy Mary McPhail Gray
NVW Board Chair

The school year has started again—and all those excited and nervous students and parents begin the challenges of new classes, teachers, and classmates.  Next to families, schools are the most powerful and enduring influence on children and youth.  Being a successful student opens opportunities and builds self-confidence that can be life long.  Dealing with academic trauma and failure has challenges that bury deep into an individual’s personality.

At Nonviolence Works we know that not all students are anticipating an exciting and successful school year. They may have experienced a variety of stressors, and they bring those to the classroom, where learning is compromised.  The Centers for Disease Control began a landmark study in the mid’90’s on how adverse childhood experiences create neurological blocks to learning. The research identified neglect, hunger, bullying, witnessing violence, experiencing abuse, and living in an unsafe neighborhood as some of the indicators of childhood trauma. And just one unsuccessful school year can create a pattern of fear and withdrawal from learning. [Read more…] about Beginning Again—and Support is Here!

Why Invest in our Youth?

Mary Gray McPhailBy Mary McPhail Gray
NVW Board Chair

It seems a naïve question—with a common, quick response:  “Because they are our future.”

But every elected official, every social agency professional, every teacher and parent know that we are not really committed to supporting our youth—at least not in the sense that we understand they form the foundation of our future.

If the budget of an organization’s mission statement is stated in dollars, then the vetoes and unsuccessful legislative efforts from our state government represent their priorities—and youth are not at the top of the list!

Every cut or lowered funding to health care, child care, social services, and education reflect a lack of investment in youth—and thus in our future. [Read more…] about Why Invest in our Youth?

A Village Responds

Mary Gray McPhailBy Mary McPhail Gray
NVW Board Chair

An African proverb from the Yoruba and Igbo regions of Nigeria states, “It takes a village to raise a child.”  The belief is that a community of caring relationships provides youth with strength of character and pride about their own worthiness. They feel loved and acknowledged.

It is often said that Taos is a community of relationships—connecting with others is an important quality of life here.  At Nonviolence Works we have seen this quality in action, particularly this summer with gifts of resources in a variety of ways—especially for our Familia y Mundo summer camp for elementary aged youth and the Yermos y Montaños summer camp for middle school students.  Resources have come in a rich variety of forms. [Read more…] about A Village Responds